


Birds are Fragile Creatures

by Sternocleidomastoid



Category: The Adventure Zone (Podcast)
Genre: Angst, Assisted Suicide, F/F, F/M, M/M, Suicide, like way more than i usually write
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-01-19
Updated: 2018-04-28
Packaged: 2019-03-06 20:47:14
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 2
Words: 9,884
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13419330
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Sternocleidomastoid/pseuds/Sternocleidomastoid
Summary: Taako can't bring himself to forgive Lucretia, but they make it work. They're family, after all.





	1. It's a Departure

Lucretia was twenty-three during the Stolen Century, which made her twenty-nine on the day or Story and Song. She had lived a lot longer than the six years those ages implied. She could claim four different ages if she wanted, and maybe more, if she took into account the cycles that she had died and thus hadn't completed a year.

But that was her past. Now, her gaze lingered on Taako while her crew mates, her friends, her _family_ celebrated their victory. He was so exhausted - all of them were, but he was wearing such a huge, genuine smile that her heart fluttered. She felt closer to them than ever.

Magnus was so excited to finally be finished fighting the Hunger that he had started running around aimlessly, unable to control the residual adrenaline within him. She laughed when he met her gaze, threw his arms in the air, and shouted, "We won! Fuck the Hunger! I'm gonna bench-press Ango!"

She lowered her gaze and her eyes softened as she saw the top of Merle's head. He looked tired, mostly. Tired and pleased, but like he had lost something important to him. Lucretia touched his shoulder and smiled at him. He smiled back weakly and she decided not to push it.

She heard the familiar and wonderful lilt of Taako's laugh and her eyes focused back on him. His left hand was in Kravitz's and his right hand was in Lup's he was smiling so _widely_.

The spell was broken when Taako noticed her stare. He stopped mid-laugh and immediately turned away from her. Her chest swelled with anxiety, and she took long, desperate strides to reach him.

"I'm sorry, Taako, I'm so sorry," she said. "I know I hurt you, I know I messed up, I didn't mean to. I'm so sorry."

She didn't try to justify it. She knew that she didn't have to, but more than that, she knew she couldn't. Especially not to them.

It quieted down around them. Magnus was standing somewhere near Merle, attempting to draw him out of his slight stupor. Barry was next to Lup's hovering form, looking at her like she had crafted the sky itself. Davenport was talking with Killian and Carey. She registered none of this. The only thing she focused on was Taako, and he looked like he wouldn't have cared if she had dropped dead in front of him.

"Fuck you, Lucretia."

All other conversations came to a screeching halt. She felt like everything besides Taako was frozen in time. He extracted his hands from his boyfriend's and sister's grips, balled his fists at his sides, and took long strides away from her.

She stared at his back for a long time.

"I-I understand," she said, but it was without direction. She hadn't noticed she was crying again until Magnus hugged her, firmly. She sobbed against his chest for what felt like hours.

When she had composed herself enough to speak again, Lucretia apologized once more.

Lup took Lucretia's soft, agile hands in her arcane, spectral ones, and looked deeply into her eyes. Lucretia bowed her head in shame. Lup lifted it back up delicately with her hand.

"I'm not mad at you," Lup said. "I mean, without you, without this convoluted plan of yours, we could have been doing this indefinitely. Everything's okay now."

"Oh," Lucretia breathed.

"Of course," Lup continued, "I've thought about it for a long time, and I kept thinking about what I would have done. I thought of hundred of plans. Thousands, maybe. And none of them got us here. _Here_ is the best place we can be. We fucking beat the Hunger. We're all alive, and we're somewhere permanent. This is home, and we're all family. I wouldn't trade this outcome for the fucking world, Lucretia."

Lucretia started to cry again. She had been doing that a lot today.

Her guilt hadn't lessened at all, but it was nice to know she had been forgiven, even if it was only by one person.

* * *

 

In the weeks following the Day of Story and Song, Lucretia came to a much needed revelation.

They didn't hate her, which was an honest shock. She got invited to outings and dinners weekly. She was still a welcome and wanted presence around her family, and that knowledge lifted a weight off her shoulders like nothing else could.

She had thought that at the expense of saving every world and plane, she had lost her family, the crew that had been with her through a hundred worlds. Nothing would have been so devastating.

She understood Taako's mindset from the robot world now, more than ever - she knew like she would forsake everything for them, to ensure their safety and love. Repeatedly and without hesitation.

The knowledge didn't sit well with her. She shared it with no one.

* * *

Lucretia couldn't bring herself to go to any of the scheduled events yet, but she hoped she would be brave enough to, soon - two months was a long time, she had spent so much time away from them already. She missed them dearly.

* * *

Davenport was the next to forgive her, during board game night at Magnus'. She flushed with embarrassment whenever she saw him and would refuse to meet his eye, but one day he cornered her while she was rummaging through the pantry for snacks.

"Lucretia," Davenport said in that way that she missed. She had missed his voice so much. She relished in it now, in a way she never had before.

She just wished he hadn't said her name in a way that meant that a serious talk needed to be had. It wasn't a tone she heard often, but she knew to listen when he brought it out.

"Yes?" she asked carefully. She held a bag of chips in her hands too tightly. He noticed, but didn't comment.

"I know why you did what you did. But more than that, I know how sorry you really are. I know how much this hurt you, and for how long."

Lucretia started to speak, and Davenport put up a hand to stop her. He looked at her with watery eyes and smiled.

"I forgive you for everything, Lucretia. I hope one day you can forgive yourself, too."

She cried then, too, but mostly had it under control when it was time to help Barry set the table. Davenport smiled at her during dinner, though, and she cried into her stew.

Taako hadn't come. She knew it was because of her.

* * *

It had been Lucretia's idea, but Davenport was the one to bring it up, since they were in his house. Even though he was technically no longer their captain, they all held such a high respect for him that none of them had said no, despite their reservations.

Weekly therapy and counseling, mandatory.

Taako had even come along, even if both Lup and Kravitz had had to bribe or persuade him in some way. He was standing as far away from her as physically possible while still being in the same room, and every few minutes, he would send her an infuriated glance.

Lucretia started to think about ways to thank them later. She thought about more ways to apologize to Taako.

* * *

Their first counseling meeting had gone as smoothly as it could have. It was three months after the Day of Story and Song, as they all figured it wouldn't be best to put it off. Lup had made a joke about "dealing with the trauma before it settled", except it wasn't really a joke. All of them laughed anyway, and had smiles that didn't reach their eyes.

"Why did you all decide to come here as a group?" their therapist, Dr. Reeder, asked. There was no way the doctor didn't know who they were, so they definitely knew why they were there.

"We have issues to work out as a group. We also all want to go to individual counseling, too," Davenport asserted.

"Let's all go around the room and say what we want to accomplish by coming here," the therapist smiled. "Magnus?"

Magnus frowned, "I want help coming to terms my wife's death. And to be able to talk about that century we spent together without making it into a joke, just because it's easier to deal with that way."

There was silence for a moment too long. The gravity of their situation and experiences hit them like a train. Everyone sobered up instantly - Magnus going first had been a good idea.

"I was trapped in an umbrella for, like, a decade, and that shit broke me. I can't be in complete darkness or look at velvet without having a panic attack. And there's a lot of century shit to talk about, too."

Barry shifted uncomfortably in his seat, his face burning red with embarrassment. He still never liked to be the center of attention.

"I, uh," he started, gruffly, "I - I was a lich for a long time. And now I can't always can't tell if my surroundings or the people I'm with are real or not? I keep waking up thinking that being back with Lup has been some kind of dream. And I'll really wake up and be alone again. And that century stuff was the pits."

Merle frowned, "I was in an arranged marriage and abandoned my wife and two kids. It keeps me up at night. I've been reaching out to them more, I'm even trying to get in better terms with Hekuba, but I still can't think of myself as a good person, let alone a good dad. And that century was something else."

Davenport sat up straighter and his voice didn't waver, "I was so broken after forgetting everything that I could only say my own name. Every aspect of my personality was destroyed, and to suddenly know what happened and why hasn't been easy to come to terms with and I'm scared one day I'll go back to that." He shot Lucretia a meaningful look. "To clarify, I'm not mad at Lucretia. She couldn't have known that this would have happened, and when she realized, she cried for days. She played memory games with me every day, without fail. She did everything she could for me."

Taako snorted, "Well, I'm real fuckin' mad at Lucretia. She decided to wipe all of memories just so she could live guilt free. I killed Barry, did you know that? I forgot about my own fucking sister. So excuse me for not skirting around this like the rest of you are."

Lucretia looked pointedly at the floor and hoped her tears weren't visible. She had been really set on not crying.

"Taako," Lup said, but it was a command all in itself. Taako was still looking at Lucretia like he didn't care whether she lived or died, but when his eyes flicked away from her, he sighed. He looked tired, like all of them did.

"I fed forty people their deaths in Glamour Springs. I thought I fucked up my transmutation magic, but I had a jealous assistant that poisoned the audience. He turned himself in once our lives had been broadcast out by the voidfish, but I'm still fucked up about it. Plus, that century was bunk."

Lucretia wiped her eyes and wrung her hands, staring down into her lap.

"I'm sorry for changing the format, but I think best if I lay everything out chronologically."

"Please," Dr. Reeder encouraged.

Lucretia swallowed. Her throat was tight and she was definitely the only one who had cried so far. It was embarrassing, especially considering how old she looked. (How old she _was_ , maybe.)

"The century was really difficult and definitely needs to be talked about, I don't need to tell you that. We all definitely had cycles that we didn't take well."

Her hands were shaking, but she forced herself to continue.

"I think the cycle that got to me the most was the one where I was alone. The sixty-fifth cycle with the Justices that killed you.  
If I got caught, it was over. It would be like I had personally failed each of you." She laughed at the irony of that. A flat laugh without humor. "I guess I did that anyway, with the voidfish and everything."

Taako bristled beside her, but another look from Lup stopped him from saying anything.

"I messed up, and I know why you all can't forgive me. I'm not even asking for that. I might have permanently damaged our relationship and that's something I'm willing to bear. I just... I want this to be _better_."

Her words were heavy in the air. She cracked a small smile and said, "But as for the post-century business, I have anxiety falling out of my ass now. And I hate writing now. I don't even like to sign my own name. So I'm hoping we can address that."

They moved forward from there.

* * *

Their increasingly busy and conflicting schedules had made weekly outings impossible. They decided to try monthly for now, but were hoping to slip into a bi-weekly schedule. There had been a lengthy and wholly unnecessary debate about the meaning of bi-weekly, but it was understood that they would meet once every fortnight.

Not seeing Taako at events became normal, to an extent. She was always acutely aware of his absence, as they ll were. Whenever they weren't in therapy, he vanished. It almost felt like they were in a world where he had died, and they were all pointedly not talking about it.

It stayed that way until one day until Taako showed to one of their get-togethers, at Lup and Barry's house. It was a full year after the day of Story and Song had passed.

He didn't acknowledge her in the slightest. She tried to be okay with it.

* * *

Lucretia was happy when Taako started to lash out at her. It was a step above being ignored, even if it did make her feel like the scum of the world. (Maybe she was.)

At first, it was little things, like giving her nasty looks whenever she showed any indication of happiness. His lips curled into a sneer, but Lup always fixed him with a burning stare before he said anything.

After three outings, it came to a head. Taako made an underhanded comment about Lucretia that everyone could hear. Lucretia had frozen momentarily, and her nose started to burn, but she told herself she wouldn't cry. Lup was the one to speak.

"I'm reeeaaaaal fuckin' sick of the shit you're pulling, Taako," Lup said, almost conversationally.

Someone else might have thought she was joking. Lup didn't get angry often, and it seemed like she could only get this kind of angry with her brother.

They had all heard this tone of voice once before, after a historically monumental fight on the Starblaster. It ended so badly that Lup and Taako didn't talk to each other for a week.

Barry tried to draw Lup out of her rage, to change the subject, but she held up her hand to stop him. He shut his mouth and looked down. Lucretia felt like commending him for trying, but no one woulf sare to speak once tensions were this higg.

Taako was the one least affected by the sudden change in atmosphere. He folded his arms across his chest. "What do you mean?"

"If you can't be civil, leave," Lup said. She was trying to remain calm. Her temper, like everything else about her, was fiery and explosive, and they all knew it. "All of us have things to work out with Lucretia, but she's still our fucking family."

Taako barked out a condescending laugh, "Anyone that could do what she did isn't a part of my family, Lup."

Lup looked shocked and infuriated, but closed her eyes, took a deep breath, and let it out slowly. She did this a few more times, and looked visibly more calm once she opened her eyes.

"Well, like it or not, she's _my_ family. You don't have the right to say whatever you want just because you're mad at her. You don't just _get_ to treat people like garbage just because you think it's fair," Lup spoke. Her composure was absolutely astounding. Lucretia and Magnus glanced at each other with wide eyes.

"Whatever," Taako said, after a long moment. Lup's expression twisted.

"Leave, Taako," she commanded.

Hurt filled Taako's features. Lup held his gaze, and Taako looked even more upset at knowing she was serious. Lucretia hated to see that expression on him.

"Lup, please, it's-" Lucretia started.

"If you say "it's okay," I'm going to hit you with a Scorching Ray so strong you'll go blind," Lup deadpanned, still holding Taako's gaze. "You're invited back when you stop acting like child. We're all too old for this."

The outing was ruined, and not ten minutes later, they had all left.

* * *

Taako and Lup weren't on speaking terms for a month, and it took three additional months for Taako to come back. He went back to ignoring Lucretia. This satisfied no one.

* * *

Drinking together had been Merle's idea, so it made sense when he had held up his hands for silence to indicate the start of a speech. They were in his house, and Hekuba had the kids for the weekend, so they were free to get a little rowdy if they so pleased.

Lucretia knew it was around three years after Story and Song. She would check the exact number of days in her journal. Recently, she had been able to write more. It felt good to not be afraid of doing something she had once enjoyed so much.

"Luce, listen," Merle hiccuped, and a bit of his ale sloshed out of his cup. "I love you. We all do, even Taako. And I think most of us are well on our way to forgiving you. I've forgiven you. I'm not mad anymore. Can't be. I get it. So stop being so hard on yourself!"

Lucretia was half drunk, so she just nodded and smiled at him, with tears stinging her eyes.

Taako was the only one not present, but that was because Kravitz has planned an impromptu date night and hadn't known what day it was. Taako told them this through a rift Kravitz had opened up for him, because he felt like a Stone of Far-speech was too impersonal.

They tried to invite Kravitz and Taako along, but Kravitz had declined before they had even finished.

It wasn't that other people weren't invited to their outings, it was that their closeness and unintentional exclusion of anyone else tended to make others uncomfortable. Kravitz hadn't ever come along with all of them, but seemed to enjoy being with them in small groups. Lucretia understood his hesitance.

Her mind was wandering and she didn't feel completely there. She remembered to ground herself in the current moment by tapping her finger against her wrist.

Lup gazed at her with a sad smile. "You're thinking about Taako."

Lucretia nodded at her because she knew her voice would crack if she tried to speak. She blinked looked into her lap and a few tears hit her hands. Her shoulders were shaking.

Magnus put a hand on her shoulder, "I'm here for you, Lucretia."

She cried again, much louder and harder, burying her face in Davenport's shoulder. The next day, she blamed it on drinking too much. All of them knew she was lying. She knew they knew.

No one said anything.

* * *

Lucretia was packing her bag to leave when Magnus appeared in the doorway, looking bothered. Lucretia left her bag on her bed and walked over to him, slowly, and put her hand on his face. He leaned into it instantaneously.

"You don't have to leave," he said against her palm. He was asking her to live with him. Lucretia knew this.

"Don't you like your privacy?" she asked. She was asking if he was sure. Magnus knew this.

"Privacy is overrated," he smiled.

So she stayed.

* * *

A year later, Barry hugged her deeply, in the middle of a trip to the aquarium. The blue light reflected off his glasses, and it reminded her of the glow of the voidfish. He looked a little embarrassed.

"Thanks for doing what you did, Lucretia. I know it was hard. I know why you erased our memories."

She hugged him back and knew it was okay between them. She didn't know if he had forgiven her, but she didn't think it mattered just then.

"Thank you."

He patted her shoulder twice and she held onto his arm for the rest of the trip. Lup kept sneaking up behind them to whisper "Lucjeans" in their ears.

* * *

"You live with Magnus now?" their therapist had asked, quirking their eyebrow.

"Not like that," Magnus said quickly, scandalized at the thought of not staying faithful to Julia. "We both got tired of living alone, and we've already lived together for a hundred years. We're basically sisters."

Lucretia laughed, "Basically."

"Magnus built his house from the ground up and would have had a bedroom for every single one of us if we had let him," Merle grumbled affectionately. "One of us had to live with him sooner or later."

Davenport chimed in, "He was committed to the idea, he had drafted up a plan and everything. All of our rooms would have been themed."

Magnus pouted, obviously still upset that his plan hadn't been approved. "I wanted everyone to have a place to sleep."

Taako rolled his eyes, "We all slept in the same room all the time on the ship. Don't need a lot of space for all of us."

Lucretia began to pick at her nail polish, but stopped herself. Magnus had only done them a few days earlier, she would feel terrible if she messed them up.

"You came up with that plan, Taako," Lucretia said quietly. "It started after you all had been captured and didn't know how to help me. I was more independent after that, but you always made sure to never left me feel like I was _alone_. It helped me so much, more than I can say. So thank you."

Taako looked at her with an indecipherable expression, then turned away, "Yeah, no problem."

There was a thick silence after that. It was the first time they had spoken to each other since Taako and and Lup's fight. Lucretia recognized it was a five years since Story and Song.

On their outing, which was immediately after their shared appointment, Lucretia found it in herself to laugh. It was getting easier to be happy. It, meaning most things, was getting easier.

Taako had even nodded to Lucretia before he left, which was almost enough to send her into hysterics. She just gave him a watery smile and nodded back.

She wished her hands would have stopped shaking.

* * *

Magnus took ten years to forgive her, almost to the day. She had been surprised - that man could hold a grudge, and she counted herself lucky that this wasn't a long one.

"I'm not mad anymore," he said while they were sitting on Taako's porch. The chairs were plush and maybe a little ugly, but definitely Taako. "But I've never _not_ loved you. All of us feel that way."

She smiled, "I love you too, Magnus. And thank you."

He made an affirmative noise in the back of his throat.

She tried not to cry, but Magnus fixed her with a dazzling smile and said "We haven't been going to therapy for you to bottle all this up, Lucy."

She smiled back, and let her tears slip out, "You're right, I'll be sure to tell Dr. Reeder that you made me cry."

"It's a healthy cry. Let that sad juice flow!"

Lucretia laughed, despite herself.

* * *

Three years after that, Taako began to let her hug him again. She always held on for too long, but he never made her let go, even when she started to cry. She had missed this.

She had been nearly inconsolable the first time he instigated a hug, which was perhaps embarrassing for a woman of her age, but had calmed down considerably once Taako started rubbing circles into her back.

* * *

When Taako handed Lucretia an invitation to his wedding, she hugged him closely.

"I'm so happy for you," she grinned, and he laughed in her ear.

The ceremony was beautiful, and Taako stole her for a slow dance more than once. She had never been a particularly good dancer, but dancing with him, feeling his warmth and happiness, felt like coming home.

* * *

He didn't forgive her and she hadn't expected him to - there was an understanding.

Things were still messy sometimes.

"This has been eating away at me for a while now," Taako said as Lucretia made everyone's morning coffee. They were all at her and Magnus' house, which hadn't been designed to hold this many people. Luckily, the living room was spacious, and they were all able to sleep there comfortably.

She and Magnus were getting up there in age, so their late dinner had become a sleepover. They missed the closeness of being _together_. It had taken Lucretia five full minutes to extract herself from their cuddle pile without waking anyone.

"Hm?" she asked.

"How long did you know Lup was in the Umbrastaff?" he asked. It sounded like he wasn't ready for the answer.

Her hands stopped. She set down a mug and turned to face him.

"Taako, you can't be serious."

"You're not dumb, Lucretia," he said darkly. "How long did you know?"

She felt something negative bubbling to the surface, but pushed it down. She would deal with it properly later.

"Do you really think I would keep something like that from you." she asked, but it wasn't a question. It was almost a challenge, and he recognized that.

"You keep everything else from us, so I don't know why you think this would be any different."

She barked out a harsh laugh, and she dully noted that she almost sounded like him. Taako's face, his mouth pressed into a thin line, didn't betray anything.

"You think I would keep something like that from you?" she said harshly. "You think I would _do_ something like that? I made a hell of a lot of mistakes, but Lup is my family, too, and I would have never kept her away from you or trapped in that umbrella if I knew. I would have broken the damn thing on sight if I even _suspected_ it! I wasn't even smart enough to think to bubble the Hunger instead of us! I'm not perfect, Taako, but I'm also not an irredeemable villain. I made _mistakes_! I'm not asking you to forgive me - hell, I don't know if I even _want_ you to - I'm not even asking for you to be around me if you feel that badly about it! I just want you to know that I would never fucking _do_ that to you!"

She hadn't realized she was screaming until she saw everyone had crowded in the kitchen doorway, staring. She put her hands down at her sides and turned, stirring her coffee furiously.

"Taako, what did you say?" Lup asked softly. He visibly deflated.

"I asked how long she knew you were in the Umbrastaff," he answered in the same tone of voice.

The silence following that was thick. Lup's fingertips started to smoke, but there was no visible flame. She closed her eyes, breathed deeply, and asked, "Now why the fuck would you do that?"

Her tone was neutral. They knew she was angry.

"Actually, don't answer," she said with a smile that looked genuine. "First off, I'm disgusted that you even entertained that idea. Second, I'm furious that you had the audacity to bring it up. Finally, you would have brought this up in therapy if you _actually_ wanted to talk about it and not just start a fight."

"You're singling her out again," Davenport said.

Taako's ears flattened against his head defensively, "I wasn't-"

"You _were_ ," Lup said decisively, and Taako closed his mouth. "Either let this shit go or find a way around it, Taako, because Lucretia is going to be the first of us to go."

That hit them all like a ton of bricks. Taako looked at her, for the first time in decades, with something akin to fear for her safety.

Magnus cleared his throat. It was obvious he spent a lot of time trying not to think about this. It was obvious he failed.

Merle and Davenport, with their longer lifespans, frowned. Barry looked at her sadly.

"I'm getting old," Lucretia said needlessly - her birthday had been a week before, "From here on out, it's just..."

She didn't know how to finish, so the ellipses became a period, and she decided to sit on the porch.

She had been left alone for a few hours, but more than once, they had been lots of shouting coming from inside the house. She was grateful that she couldn't hear enough to tell who was saying what.

Merle had been the one who brought her cucumber sandwiches around lunch time. Lucretia bowed her head in shame.

"Y'know, I don't know if I've ever heard you scream before," he commented softly.

"I know, I'm sorry. I'll have to apologize to everyone later, once I can construct an apology worth giving," she grimaced. "I should have handled that better."

Merle shrugged, noncommittal, "He shouldn't have asked you that. I think Taako's just trying to find a reason to stay mad at you. It's gone on long enough."

"He can be mad at me for the rest of eternity," Lucretia smiled. "I mean, it would suck, but I'd be okay with it. I just... I couldn't bear the thought of him thinking I did that to him or Lup on purpose."

"I know you didn't," he consoled.

"I should have known though, I should have been able to get her out. I just - it never occurred to me. That she could be in there."

"I know," he cooed, in the way that only a father can.

Lucretia let a few tears slip out. "I'm going to go apologize for yelling."

"Atta girl," Merle said. "But you should know, I've never seen Cap'n'port look so terrified and proud."

* * *

Lucretia didn't see Taako for six months after she apologized for her outburst. She decided not to look too hard into whether it was by chance or not.

Their next get together was at Lup and Barry's house. Lucretia, Merle, and Lup were the ones preparing the food this time around. She hoped she was adding enough seasoning. Something told her she wasn't, so she sprinkled just a bit more before setting it aside.

"I shouldn't have accused you of keeping Lup from me," Taako said awkwardly from the kitchen's doorway.

"I know why you did," she relented, turning to face him.

"I just don't know why I'm still so mad!" he sighed in frustration. "I know why you did it, I wouldn't have done anything better, this is a better outcome than all of us could have ever even dreamed of! But I'm still... _mad_ at you. I keep wanting to compare myself to Agnes, but he's not even a kid anymore. Hell, even if he was, he'd be taking this better than _me_."

Lucretia wiped her hands on her apron, and threw her arms around his neck. He hugged back with no hesitation and she could feel him shaking.

"I betrayed you. All of you. I betrayed your trust and tampered with your memories. That doesn't have to be something you forgive, Taako."

Taako's ears drooped, "You weren't wrong to do what you did."

Lucretia shook her head, "I wasn't right, either. You don't have to try to justify my dubious behavior to yourself or to anyone. If you're mad at me, that's okay. You can be as mad as you want for as long as you want, Taako."

Taako was the one that held her and cried this time. She rubbed his back until he got it all out.

Davenport took her place in the kitchen with a smile.

* * *

Lucretia found a wife, a woman named Penelope - a tiefling who smiled at her brightly, and held her like she was worth something. Someone she felt lighter with. It wasn't legal - they were both quite old and couldn't be bothered.

The ceremony was simple. Lucretia wore a simple peach gown. Her wife wore pale yellow pants and a white blouse. They kissed, once, pleasantly, and turned to their family.

(Penelope had no family and Lucretia was more than happy to share.)

There were no gifts, but they wanted for nothing. After dancing to no music with her radiant, beautiful wife, she found Taako, and danced with him next. Kravitz struck up a conversation with Penelope to keep her occupied. Penelope did not like to dance, so she was content to sit with Kravitz and talk.

And when the affair was over, Penelope moved into Lucretia's room and lived there with her.

* * *

Lup took them to a state fair for their next outing. It was warm and windy, one of the few days that autumn wasn't unbearably hot or cold.

Penelope decided not to attend, instead calling for Kravitz, who liked to sit with her and drink warm tea. Lucretia kissed her wife before leaving, once, sweetly.

"You want to bring her anything back?" Barry asked. Lucretia thought.

"We are very simple women," she decided. "I don't think there's anything we would need."

* * *

Penelope died five years later, and Lucretia mourned her loss. Magnus held her for days afterward. For days, she knew nothing besides loss.

She dug the grave herself, which took a whole day. She laid a single flower on the grave for a month. She carved the headstone by hand, herself, using her most elegant script.

_Here lies Penelope Waterbleu,_  
_Dearly loved,_  
_Dearly missed._

The dates meant less to Lucretia than the words, but she included them anyway.

Lucretia wanted for her wife. This was not something that could be gifted back to her.

* * *

Magnus died next, only a year later. Her heart ached in a way it never had before.

This was their last world, after all.

The funeral was beautiful. She knew words were said and that she also said words, but the grief in her heart was too great. She couldn't focus on anything besides the comforting touches from her family.

Returning to that empty house afterward felt wrong on every level. She wanted to tear the house apart with her bear hands. She wanted to make it cave in or set it on fire or detroy it so completely that no one would even know there was ever a house there at all. She did none of these things.

Lucretia went inside and slept in Magnus's bed that night. The sheets still smelled like him, and it brougt out fresh grief she didn't know she had. She wondered how much more she was going to have to cry. All of her life seemed to be defined by pain and loss and tears.

She had dug Magnus's grave, too. She refused help, even as her muscles ached and her vision was clouded with tears. The first thing she did when she woke up the next morning was see the headstone she had carved.

_Here lies Magnus Burnsides, The Protector_  
_Devoted Husband,_  
_Wonderful friend,_  
_An Expert in Rustic Hospitality._

Lucretia made her own gravestone next.

* * *

Within six months, all of their gravestones had been made. It had taken her several months of experimentation and tinkering to spell them all to be responsive to each person's future death date, but she had done it, and presented them proudly.

Lup let out a ragged sob. The pride Lucretia felt withered.

* * *

Lucretia was sixty-seven when she knew she was going to die. She was sixty-seven, eighty-seven, one-hundred sixty-seven, and one-hundred eighty-seven at once. This should have been contradictory. It wasn't.

Kravitz had not-so-subtlety warned her to invite all of her friends over for Saturday night. She thanked him, and gave him a kiss on the cheek. He blushed and smiled at her sheepishly, before asserting that no one could know they had this talk. She doubted the Raven Queen would care, but if it came down to it, she would never say Kravitz's name.

It wasn't like they hadn't seen it coming - After Lup forced them to confront Lucretia's shortened lifespan, they were gentler with her. They seemed to notice the lines around her eyes, how her once white hair was now gray, how weak she had become.

She asked Lup to be the one to gather them in the same place. It ended up being in their living room, since her knee was acting up again.

Her descent into the living room was slow.

"Did you get everyone?" she asked softly.

"Yeah, what's up? You never do this," Lup answered. It wasn't like they didn't already know, they just hoped that they had been wrong, that Lucretia wasn't _really_ that old. She had been the baby of the ship, once upon a time.

"I'm going to die this weekend," she said simply. "Peaceful, I think, while I'm asleep. You don't have to come if you don't want to, I just thought you should know."

"Of course we're coming," Taako snapped. "Do you need anything? Because we're going to throw you the party of your fucking life before you go. That's a Taako guarantee."

Lucretia laughed, "I'm too old for parties, Taako, but I do want the last thing I eat to be some baller cookies."

"Consider it done," Lup said.

"Merle, you don't have to get me anything."

"Damn it," Merle muttered under his breath. Barry and Davenport were snickering in the background, until Merle made a triumphant a-ha noise.

"You like chrysanthemums," he said. "I'll bring you a bouquet."

"Dad'n'port," she said in a mock serious tone. She could almost see Davenport straighten up.

"Yes, ma'am?"

"Don't let Merle bring a greenhouse worth of plants here."

"Yes, ma'am."

"What about me?" Barry asked. Lucretia stifled a giggle, but ended up coughing a little. She tried to hide it.

"Well," she thought. "Remember when I asked you about your most embarrassing memory and you wouldn't tell me?"

"Yes?" he said. She could tell he was blushing, even without her glasses.

"Well, forget about it," She laughed. "You make the best coffee, and I want to have some of yours."

Barry laughed too, "Of course."

Lucretia smiled. "I think that's it."

* * *

They made a huge fuss over making sure she was comfortable, Davenport especially. They smiled at each other until something around them _broke_. The reality of it became too heavy to ignore. The smiles became frowns.

Barry choked out a sob, and the rest of them followed suit. They all clambered onto the bed and held each other closely, until the last of their tears left them.

That had happened after they had regenerated at the beginning of cycle sixty-six. They all knew and were thinking it. No one mentioned it.

"Group nap?" Lucretia asked, rubbing her aged hands across her eyes.

She took a final bite into her macaron. They were the best she had ever eaten, and she couldn't help but say "hot diggity shit" under her breath. Merle laughed.

"Specially made," Taako assured. "Plus, you're totally going to die after this, so this isn't a nap for you."

"Psh, the Raven Queen loves us, I'm sure we could ask her about visitation," Davenport smiled.

"Do you really want to go sleep in a bed with a tragically old woman that's going to be dead when you wake up?" Lucretia asked.

Barry grimaced, "Don't say it like that."

"Gross, Luce," Lup laughed.

"True," Lucretia smiled. "Good night, everyone. I love you. Stay safe."

* * *

Birds were fragile creatures, and now only five remained.


	2. It's a Reunion

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Quick warning! A suicide is described in graphic detail in this chapter!!!! Please do not read if that would be triggering/upsetting for you!!
> 
> It is NOT one of the main characters!!!
> 
> If you think you will enioy this chapter, feel free to read! Look out for your mental health!! Please!!

When she wakes up, she's lying next to Kravitz's standing form. He looks down at her, somewhat confused, before extending his hand to help her up.   
  
She takes it gratefully, but finds that her back doesn't hurt and her knees give her no trouble when she stands. She's younger, then. She wonders by how much, but supposes it doesn't matter, not really. Mobility is a welcome change - creaking bones and wandering aches will not be missed by her or any others.   
  
"Thanks for the heads up, Kravitz." Lucretia tucks a lock of her hair behind her ear. "They all doted on me like you wouldn't believe."   
  
She stills as a sudden realization hits her. Her hair hasn't been long enough tuck behind her ears since her days aboard the Starblaster. Twenty-three exactly. Being this young seems less bleak now that she's properly dead. There's a comfort in having the knowledge that she's died for the last time.   
  
"You could tell me they did anything for you and I would believe it," he admits, drawing her out of her thoughts. "And someone here will be very excited to meet you."   
  
She masks her confusion, "Lead the way."   
  
"You can't stay here forever," Kravitz says with a furrow between his brow, "but you'll have all the time you need."   
  
"Thank you," she smiles and throws her arms around his neck. He kisses her cheek before pulling away.   
  
"Go on."   
  
She isn't sure what he means, but when she turns, she sees a house. It looks sturdy and comfortable, and she knows who's built it even before she takes in all the details.   
  
Lucretia hears a bark and jumps slightly; they haven't had dogs in a while, but it makes sense that they would be here, too. Her eyes settle on Johann and she beckons him over with a whistle. The large dog almost knocks her down in his excitement to see her again, but she's just able to keep her footing and pet him.   
  
She looks back up at the house and makes a decision. Johann follows her to the door. She knocks, thrice, formally.   
  
Julia Burnsides, one of the most beautiful women Lucretia had ever seen, is the one to answer, thoroughly confused for one moment, until recognition flashes across her features.   
  
Lucretia drinks in the sight of the woman she admired and grown to love, but has never met until now. She's tall, not quite as tall as Magnus. That's not surprising, given Magnus' height, but she supposes that Julia might be as tall as or taller than most men. Her arms are muscular, her fingers calloused. Her face is round and she has kind eyes, but there's an unmistakable presence and power behind her movements.   
  
"Hello, Lucretia," she smiles, nearly crushing her in a hug, "Come inside, please."   
  
And in the living room is Magnus, younger, brighter than she can ever remember him being. Maybe just bright in a way she's forgotten.   
  
Magnus turns to face his wife, an easy smile on his face, and his jaw falls open at the sight of Lucretia. She knows she's wearing a similar expression.   
  
In an instant, they're hugging, and he feels solid and warm around her. Lucretia feels him lift her up and spin her in a way that he hasn't in years, and they're both laughing, and it hurts but in a way she's okay with, and she can't believe how long she's been without him.   
  
"I missed you," she says in a voice that was warbled around the edges, hugging him tighter.   
  
"I missed you, too, Luce," he grins. Lucretia sees Julia's form out of the corner of her eye and feels herself grow embarrassed. She struggles to get her feet back on the ground, not that he notices.   
  
"Magnus," she hisses in his ear. Magnus blushes bright red and places her on the floor, gently but quickly. She hears Julia laugh pleasantly.   
  
"I didn't-," Lucretia begins, before correcting herself. "Sorry."   
  
"No, I understand," Julia says, and the long, thin scar that cuts across her cheek stretches with the movement. "I know how close you all are."   
  
"We're basically sisters," Magnus beams, clapping Lucretia on the shoulder, drawing her closer to him.   
  
"Basically sisters," Lucretia echoes with a slight laugh.   
  
"Lucy?" a voice calls from a room over. She freezes. It feels like she's surrounded by rushing water because she knows that voice. Even if it sounds younger, a deep, enchanting song in the place of mature throatiness, she knows it in a way that makes every single one of her nerves feel like they're on fire.   
  
The woman who the voice belongs to enters the room and Lucretia's breath catches.   
  
Lucretia takes a step towards her, numbly, and then, another until she can launch herself into open arms. She's surprised when laughter bubbles out of her; in disbelief, she thinks. She's got the distinct impression that if she stopped laughing, she would start crying.   
  
"I missed you," Penelope murmurs into her hair. Lucretia holds her tighter.   
-   
That night, when Lucretia sleeps with Penelope in a room identical to the one they had inhabited in the physical plane, she feels her wife's tail drape over her. The action she had never paid much mind to is overwhelming, and her heart swells with love. It hurts, like seeing Magnus had, and she wouldn't trade it for anything.   
  
She sleeps well.   


* * *

  
Lucretia knows Magnus is anxious at breakfast. He rubs his thumb across the nail of his forefinger under the table, like always. She can't see the action, but she knows it's there. He laughs loudly and listens well, like always. His smile is exactly the same. Nothing is different.   
  
She knows.   
  
She attempts to draw it out of him with subtlety. He doesn't seem to register this, so they chat at breakfast like nothing's wrong.   
  
Afterwards, they go to the living room, which is warm and smells like cinnamon. She holds her cocoa in her hands and fixes Magnus with a serious gaze.   
  
"What's bothering you?" Lucretia asks, taking a slow sip of her drink. His smile falters and guilt overtakes his features. Julia looks up in surprise.   
  
"I wanted to ask you," Magnus says slowly, looking at her with wide, dark eyes. "About Kalen."   
  
"Dead," she says flatly.   
  
"Which one of you-" he starts, and Lucretia leans away from Penelope, who looks distinctly uncomfortable. Her wife has always been soft in a way that Lucretia used to be, decades and cycles ago, before she was alone on cycle sixty-five.   
  
"You got the flu and Angus was looking after you," she interrupts. "That's when we left. It was all of us."   
  
Magnus nods, so she continues. It's not as if she had lied to him. She had told him that she and their friends were attending to unfinished business on his behalf. His nose had wrinkled in confusion, but she had only smiled at him, ran her hand over his cheek, and left.   
  
"He was easy to track and easier to mess with. Taako would cast Disguise Self to imitate you and start showing up where Kalen was. Enough to make him wonder.   
  
"He tried to run after the second time, but we followed, and he had started to reason that it was his mind playing tricks on him. He slept fitfully and ate less. We did this for two weeks, and he looked worse all the time.   
  
"He didn't recognize me at first, when I pretended to come across him in the woods, even in my red robe. I asked for directions to Raven's Roost, and the expression on his face was somewhere between fear and contempt."   
  
Penelope shifts uncomfortably beside her. Lucretia told her this story before they got married and had not spared the details, but it wasn't as though she liked to hear it. Not that it was ever talked about again.   
  
"Taako, disguised as you, stepped out from behind the trees, and he tried to run. The coward never even attempted to fight, just begged for mercy, like being sorry would bring Julia back or make you stop missing her."   
  
She inhales, a calming technique she had learned from Lup; it wouldn't do to get so angry over a dead man. A man she had aided in killing, at that. A man who had already paid for his crimes.   
  
"Taako dropped the spell, of course, and said this was a revenge mission, vis-à-vis Magnus and Julia Burnsides, homie."   
  
She imitates the charming lilt of Taako's voice and Magnus laughs.   
  
"Tell me," Julia says. "What next?"   
  
Penelope stands suddenly, stalking out of the room with purpose. A door leading outside opens and closes. Lucretia stares at her wife's back out of the closed window.   
  
She supposes it's better for her not to hear it again. While this isn't something for which she feels regret or shame, it's not to be regarded lightly.   
  
"It was excruciating, and we all got a hit in," she assures, mindful that because of her wife's absence, she can be as graphic as she wants. "He begged for us to spare him. He screamed at the top of his lungs, begged for mercy, for forgiveness, for anything. Kalen wanted to live, even after everything."   
  
"Who landed the final blow?" Magnus asks, and his voice is steady. Lucretia crosses her legs at the ankles.   
  
"He did," she says evenly. "He wanted to live so badly, and there were too many of us. It only seemed fair that he died by his own hands. He hung himself while we watched. I suppose we looked like executioners, surrounding that tree in our robes. Once he was dead, Barry opened his mouth and pulled out one of his teeth. We left him there, hanging. He didn't deserve to be buried."   
  
Magnus' hand grasps to the tooth necklace around his neck, a gift from all of them once they had returned. They had said it was special, a mark of triumph for him. Lup and Taako cooked a large meal that night in celebration, and they laughed and talked about things that weren't murdered wives and dead men hanging from trees.   
  
She nods. He exhales.   
  
"Thank you."   


* * *

  
When Penelope returns around dinner time, she doesn't meet Lucretia's eye.   
  
"I hate that story," she says needlessly. "I really, truly hate it, Lucretia."   
  
In Lucretia's mind, Penelope does not hate. She dislikes, surely, but Lucretia has never heard her use the word "hate" until now. It shifts something in her perception of her wife. It adds depth somewhere.   
  
"I'm sorry," Lucretia says softly. "You won't have to hear it again. It was a story that only ever needed to be told twice."   
  
Penelope's tail drapes around her that night, heavy and comforting. Lucretia stops feeling like she's lifting out of gravity.   


* * *

  
Their days are full of nothing but love and dogs, and it's always lovely when Kravitz stops by for dinner to tell them about how everyone else is doing.   


* * *

  
While out for a walk with Julia, Lucretia realizes that Barry and Lup have the possibility of living forever. She wonders if that means they won't ever live with her again.   
  
Julia lays a hand on her shoulder, "Hey, are you okay?"   
  
Lucretia nods without meaning to. She nods because that is the expected response to a question like that. She nods because she thinks she should be okay. Eventually, she convinces herself that she nodded because she was okay.   
  
That night when she can't fall asleep, she knows she's not okay.   
  
She slips out of bed without waking Penelope and makes tea downstairs. As soon as she's done, Magnus appears, face serious. She pours him a cup and he drinks it, even though it's his least favorite kind.   
  
"What's bothering you?"   
  
She doesn't try to deny it. They've always been close and lying won't get her anywhere she's happy with. She's tired of lies and half-truths, and has been ever since she re-introduced herself as The Director, when she should have always been their document keeper. Their youngest. Their family.   
  
"Lup and Barry might never come," she says, defeated. "They're liches. They could be immortal."   
  
Magnus looks into his cup, then at her.   
  
"Once Taako dies, Lup is coming with him," he says simply. "And Barry would follow Lup to the end of the world. The end of any world. They'll be here. We all will."   
  
He sounds like he means it, but that's not why Lucretia relaxes and gives him a small smile. She knows it's the truth. She knows with the certainty of a thousand worlds colliding. It's why she gathers their cups, kisses Magnus' temple, sends him off to bed, and falls asleep as soon as she's laying down again.   


* * *

  
Merle is next.   
  
Not a surprise, really. Given how terribly old and bad at healing he was, she's almost astounded he didn't die first. Magnus shares a knowing look with her and she bites her lip to keep from laughing, even as she hugs him to welcome him home.   
  
He has his wooden arm, which she doesn't exactly know how to feel about. She hopes Merle knows what he feels, and even more so that it's positive.   
  
His death isn't exciting, which is a relief.   
  
"Dying of pneumonia at the age of old as all shit is pretty good," she says, and Merle chuckles at her, like she's asked how that rascal Mookie has been.   
  
"What can I say?" Merle says, humor coloring his voice, eyes crinkling at the corners. He doesn't say anything else.   
  
He sleeps in the room Magnus has had prepared for him. Lucretia knows it was fully furnished even before she came to live here.   


* * *

  
"Do they miss us?" Magnus asks abruptly over breakfast. No one stops eating, but the air is different in the short silence.   
  
"Every day," Merle says, his grip on his butterknife just a bit too tight. "Every damn day."   


* * *

  
Merle helps Lucretia pick the plants and create blends that will make the best teas. It's the little things like that that make her heart ache.   


* * *

  
Davenport is next. Lucretia freezes when she sees him, her body stilling with terror. She doesn't know what scares her so much. She smiles at him and he smiles back.   
  
He tells them that he died in his sleep. A weak heart brought on by old age and a lifetime of adventure. Lucretia listens and smiles and doesn't let her hands shake. She asks the right questions and smiles and loves him with her whole heart and doesn't let her hands shake.   
  
Her heart beats too fast when she hugs him. She can't stop being afraid of - something, even when she's lying in bed. She doesn't sleep that night.   


* * *

  
Davenport is at the breakfast table bright and early, as though waiting for her. He probably is.   
  
"You're upset," he says without prompting. Something about that makes every muscle in her body constrict.   
  
She doesn't answer. She doesn't know what her answer should be.   
  
"Lucretia," he says slowly. "You've been anxious since I got here."   
  
A bubble of laughter lets itself out of her chest without permission, "How funny."   
  
She giggles a bit more as she pulls down things from the shelves to get started on breakfast. She doesn't know why she's laughing. She doesn't know how to stop, even when she's lying in bed again, unable to sleep.   
  
Unconsciously, Penelope's arm falls over Lucretia's mouth as she rolls over. The giggling is stifled. It stays in her chest.   


* * *

  
Lucretia's restless for a long time, whatever a long time is for them here. She measures time in breakfasts, and it's been a lot of breakfasts.   
  
She picks too many plants for teas and then creates new and interesting blends.   
  
She cleans the house from top to bottom, then makes a mess of the kitchen trying to bake a cake, then gets so upset she eats all the batter while staring out of the window.   
  
She makes Julia and Penelope new dresses out of some spare bed sheets she had asked Magnus she could use.   
  
Inexplicably, one day, Lucretia leaves the house to cry in the surrounding woods. There's always been a stump a few feet in stress liked to sit on, and it's where she stays. Lucretia stayed outside until Magnus came to retrieve her, and they walked back on the house hand in hand as Lucretia wiped her face on her sleeve.   
  
Penelope paid special attention to her after that. Lucretia took the extra care and tucked it away in a special place in her heart.   
  
Eventually, the moods stop, and Lucretia feels better. She never sorts then out for herself, even after they've passed. Everyone has different theories.   
  
"She's restless," Davenport sighs.   
  
"She's getting agitated after staying here for so long," Merle adjusts his glasses.   
  
"I think she's just adjusting to having so many people in the house," Julia says thoughtfully.   
  
"She's probably just a little sad," Penelope says quietly, wringing her hands.   
  
"She's just going through a lot," Magnus scrubs his hand through his hair.   
  
Maybe they're all right. It's not like she knows.   


* * *

  
When the next knock comes, Lucretia throws open the door and throws herself into Taako's arms with a pre-emptive sob.   
  
"Missed you, too," he says quietly, and how much she missed his voice is too much to bear. How much she missed him. She feels him bury his face in her hair.   
  
She cries, long past the point of caring if her family sees. He rubs her back, like he always did when she cried. There were years he did not complete the action, where it was what he always did until it was what he never did.   
  
It's after the tears finally clear and she hands him off to Merle or Davenport - she can't tell with her eyes so watery - that she sees Lup, Barry, and Kravitz.   
  
She doesn't quite know who to hug first, so she gathers all three of them up and sighs. It's a blissful pain she's familiar with.   
  
They're together again. Nothing has ever been better than this.   


* * *

 

One morning, Lucretia mentions Angus. Taako looks at her sadly.

She doesn't know what to do with a look like that, so she doesn't do anything.

* * *

  
It takes Lucretia far too long to realize that they're not going to be forced to leave. "As long as you need" has become "forever, if you'll have it." Maybe it was always the second one and she had just never noticed.   
  
Maybe the can't is (and always has been) about their inability to stay in one world, and not in reference to a vague due date that will someday be enforced.   
  
She knows they won't stay here forever. It will be their decision to leave their house and continue on to whatever awaits them. The concept of spending forever anywhere is daunting. The concept of spending forever apart is unimaginable. She knows when they do move on, it will be together, as one unit.   
  
But still, she thinks while taking a sip of her tea, if she had to pick a forever, this one would be fine.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i hope that fixes everything i really wanted to finish this bc i want to move onto other stuff!!
> 
> im actually an artist more than a writer and i plan on drawing lucretia and her wife soon and posting it on my Instagram follow me there!! @placeboaudio
> 
> i'll also probably post a third chapter of nothing but pics
> 
> anyway i hope u liked it!! sorry this was so angst heavy!!!! have a good day!!!

**Author's Note:**

> :○)


End file.
